1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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