I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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