Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
