He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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