You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude i'm inner monologue high
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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