Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize