I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize