I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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