Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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