You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
