now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize