just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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