guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
