Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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