Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize