U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
No stitches, just platelets and will power
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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