Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
