Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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