OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
