somebody snuck up and got me drunk
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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