I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
