Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
