If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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