How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
