Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
