In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
