My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
