u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
