So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You took a bar mat shot.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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