Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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