Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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