Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
