I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
