accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
