she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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