I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I need a beard to bite.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
