who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I don't deserve a penis
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
