just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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