you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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