Just fell off a train. Bad.
Porn is love you can see.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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