Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
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