The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
