I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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