Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
