He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize
