Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
