omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
