you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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