Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
