I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize
