this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
not ubering you a puppy
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize