We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
