I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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