You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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