I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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