Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize