living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
