Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
