Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Randomize
